Mud walk

This was from October 19, 2016. I’m starting to feel like Wednesdays are energetically a no for me. 😆

Today has been unusually hard. Energetically, it feels like the Swamps of Sadness from The NeverEnding Story, which I was talking about in my last post. There’s some funny money business that has been a bear to handle, and I haven’t really been enjoying this funemployment lately. Even after meditating, I still feel like emotionally encased in crud.

When I was pulling cards today, I had what may be my first non-literal interpretation. Three times, kids and parenting came up. It was puzzling. Yes, I feel like I’m beginning anew, birthing something new in my life. Yes, I would like kids in the very near future. But no, neither of these are burning passions right now. The #1 thing I want right this very instant is steady income and benefits with a job that doesn’t suck. That seems to be a tall order here in Florida, but it is a rather poor state (it’s based on tourism, and those jobs, for the most part, suck and have the sucky pay along with it). I have Capricorn concerns, Venusian concerns,  but not like Empress or even Queen of Pentacles concerns.

I was going to meet up with a former colleague today for coffee. She bumped up the time an hour–no big deal, no real schedule these days. Then she calls, and I missed her call. She texted that her child threw up at school and that she’ll need to stay with them tomorrow, too. Can we reschedule? It’s a bummer, but sure, of course, hope the child feels better, enjoy the rest of your week, blah blah blah.

It’s not a coincidence. I’m pretty sure it’s not. If it is, it’s still eerie.

I do empathize but not fully understand sick child woes. I hope one day I do, but this has been the second time a sick child caused a meeting to be rescheduled.

I need more childless friends, for now.

So, that scuttling of plans didn’t help my trudging through my day. I did apply for one job today. My ancient (read almost 4 years old) laptop was running hot all day. I’m actually typing this on my ancient 4th gen. iPad. The one job that I’m excited for is one that requires a lot of thoughtful questions, like 20 of them. I’d finally be in management, as an editor, if I got it. The work culture seems to be a good match. They want caring people, seriously! I need the career stretch, so badly. I’m the only weirdo I know who is passionate about motivating and supporting people in employment, as a manager, because I know what not to do. So, tomorrow, Goddess willing, I will be focusing on that application all day. Send good vibes and prayers if you can!

Beyond that, beyond what may be the harsh conjunction of Mars and Pluto in Capricorn, or the moon in Gemini which, boy, scattered thoughts anyone?…applying for jobs doesn’t make me happy. OK, it doesn’t ANYONE happy, but I feel like I was driving in reverse all day. This is becoming tougher emotionally than I thought it would be. Yes, the looming pressure of paying bills is there–I know how to handle that a bit. But it’s more like the looming unknown of my life and my calling.

Here’ what I’d rather be doing:

• Blogging about my life
• Chatting about life with others, as a side by side support
• Traveling and taking killer photos

But I know I have to explore all options right now. Or do I know that? That’s what I feel lead to do.

The Swamps of Sadness are real, though. I felt like this yesterday, too. It feels uncomfortable to be waiting, although actively, for a lot of things in my life. I feel vulnerable and not safe–but I am safe. I got angels, ancestors, guides I’ve never met, friends rooting for me…

It’s not depression, but I do feel that I’m releasing old hurts. The funny money stuff reminded me of where I was two years ago at this time. I was probably at a friend’s house, for a book study, but also homeless, bouncing around the city via Airbnb. I did not feel safe and honestly, I hadn’t had time to process how horrible it was. My mind knows, but even with copious amounts of gratitude to my mother who helped me, I was literally so unmoored, and frankly, so hurt that I didn’t really have anyone except myself. It’s not the type of self-reliance that I wanted to hone more of. I’ve been in plenty of harrowing situations. This autumn of 2014 felt like the thick shit icing on the shit cake I had to eat because of grad school.

Two years later, I’m in a home, with coughing old white guys and a woman who cooking horribly smelling food, but I have an address. I have money. I have friends–maybe not locally, but definitely more quality friends globally. I’m grateful. I’m on the brink of something big, and it’s bigger than just a job, or even a calling, or finding a life partner and starting a family.

The shitty part of my life is over. Cue the hallelujah chorus!

I really hope I don’t regret those words, but that’s how I feel. Even if circumstances get hairy again, I feel spiritually stronger and wiser for having gone through the last few years down in these swamps of  Florida (which may be their own swamps of sadness, truly). What has been triggering today was feeling like I was going back to an old mindset.

Nothing ever goes my way. Everything is hard. No one cares about me. No one recognizes my hard work. Nothing is ever going to change for the better.

These constant companions in my mind have started to take their leave from my mind. They are being replaced with thoughts are a tad more positive.

You got this. You have the experience. You are sparkling right now. The right people are coming into your life. You needed this rest. Keep healing up. The angels have your back, so ask them for help! Even your grandmother is looking out for you. You are getting so close to what you truly desire. Don’t quit now.

That last one…that has always been there.  And that I was feeling near death less than two months ago, like my world was coming to an end, that I was getting sucked back into Fall 2014 and its despair.

So, even though I was making my way through this morass of sadness today, I knew that this wasn’t going to last forever–even if despair will lie and say it will.

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